The Benefits of being evil

It was my birthday (technically speaking) 12:01, July 21st. The big 1 8. That’s why I was woken up by a very strange old woman standing at the foot of my bed glaring at me.

“You are she!” the weirdo declared.

“Huh?” was my response, rubbing sleep out of my eyes.

“You are the evil that fate has foretold!” she said, pointing an accusing finger at me.

“What? You’re crazy. What the hell are you doing in my room, freak?” I asked, sitting up in bed.

“The moment you came of age (eighteen was of age huh, try telling that to my parents) I sensed the evil power coming from within you. I’m here to stop you before no one can!” the crazy old lady declared, pointing at me some more.

Okay, enough fun time. I need some sleep and this crazy lady needs to go.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, fully intending to evict the nut myself, when the bedroom window burst open and a tsunami of tiny winged creatures flooded into my room.

What the heck was going on?!

They looked like little, bald, green, flying monkeys. Little green monkeys with really big teeth. Holy crap.

And then they were on the old lady.

Working as one, they lifted up the crazy old woman and carried her out the window. She didn’t quite fit the first time they attempted to get through the window, so they had to try a few times, but eventually they smooshed her through the small gap.

I stood there in my darkened room, staring at the window for a long moment.

Did I really just see what I thought I just saw?

I blinked a few times.

Seriously, I needed to get more sleep.

I was shuffling over to close the window again, when a very hyper bird flew in and landed on my dresser. Only it wasn’t a bird, it was a tiny green monkey.

Oh super.

“My evil queen,” it squeaked at me, bowing deeply.

“I’m not your queen,” I said, feeling tired.

“Oh, but you are. And I am here to serve you.”

“Sorry, not interested. Would you please leave.”

“But, but, who will see to your every need?” the little creature asked, exasperated.

“My every need, huh?” I asked.

“Indeed!” the tiny minion said, nodding vigorously and rubbing his hands together.

“Hmm, let me think about it. I’ll talk to you in the morning,” I said, and with that I grabbed the critter by the scruff of it’s neck and threw it out my window, closing the window behind him.

Not really thinking about it again, I tucked myself back into bed and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I found something I don’t think I’ve ever seen before, my room was clean. And I don’t mean all the dirty laundry was stuffed under the bed, I mean it actually looked clean.

I heard a rustling on the floor. I leaning over the edge of the bed to look, it was two little green monkeys still busy folding up a pair of my socks.

Had they been at it, cleaning up my room, all night?


That day at my part time job, every time I turned around there they were, stealthily helping me with my work.

“Great work today, Becky, I really like to see that kind of get up and go,” my boss said, waving me out the door.

“Thanks,” I called back, over my shoulder. I didn’t bother to tell him that most of that get up and go work was done by flying monkeys.

My car was parked across a very quiet street. There was rarely a person walking down that street, much less driving down it, but I should have looked. Instead I was busy thinking about my party tonight. I was the birthday girl and work was over, that meant it was time to par-tay!

I took just a few strides into the street. The car came out of nowhere, speeding, and the driver didn’t even hint at touching the brakes.

One second I heard the car “VROOM” towards me, the next second something big and heavy hit me and I was flying through the air.

I landed on the soft lawn of the park across the street, the car zoomed passed and around the corner, the big heavy thing was still on top of me.

“My queen, are you hurt at all,” the heavy thing asked, his voice laced with concern.

(Cough, wheeze) was my reply.

“My queen, can you speak?” the voice asked.

Then a very nice looking college guy leaped off of smooshing me, and in one smooth move, pulled me to my feet again.

The extremely well muscled guy knelt on one knee and clasped one of my hands in both of his.

“If there is anything I could do to avenge this obvious attempt on your life, simply command and I am at your service,” he vowed, looking up at me adoringly.

I opened my mouth to assure him that I didn’t need any avenging, but I appreciated the thought, when a seriously annoying voice said, “So the queen of evil has found her knight!”

It was a blond girl about my age with very poofy hair and her hands on her hips, glaring at me.

“Okay, first: I’m not a queen of anything, and second: he isn’t a knight,” I said to her, holding my fingers up to count off.

“But my queen, you are and I am,” the disturbingly hot guy still holding my hand said.

“See!” the poofy haired girl said, “You are evil”.

“But I don’t feel evil,” I pointed out.

“As an evil person, you wouldn’t,” poofy head said with a sniff.

“She has a valid point, my queen,” the (now slightly less hot) knight agreed.

“Come with me, and I can scrub that evil off of you. It will melt your skin a little bit, but that’s the price you pay for being born latently evil,” poofy head said, holding out her hand to me and looking particularly witchy.

I looked down at the guy still kneeling and holding my hand, gazing up into my eyes adoringly.

“So, you’re really a knight, huh?” I asked him

“Of course, my queen.”

“I waiting!” the poofy headed girl snapped, expectantly flapping her hand at me.

I looked down to my knight again.

Hmm, evil does have benefits.


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