“So, I guess I’m dead,” I said, looking down at my body laying motionless in the middle of the street.
From this angle, my skirt looked terrible.
“As a doornail,” the glowing girl standing next to me agreed, nudging the limp arm of my body with the toe of her sneaker.
Hey, don’t poke my corpse.
“So, I guess you must be an angel than,” I said, looking the girl up and down and feeling doubtful. She had bland cornflake colored hair, and bland oatmeal colored skin, and bland bran muffin colored clothes. She didn’t look evil, but nothing about her look particularly heavenly either.
“Nope,” was her reply.
A sinking dread raced through my heart.
“So, you’re a devil?!”
“Nope, not that either,” she said with a shrug, not giving me anymore information.
Boy, she’s helpful.
“O-kay, so what are you?”
“I’m a Neutral.”
“A Neutral. I deal with the spirits that aren’t good enough to go to Heaven,” she said, holding up one hand as if she were weighing something, “but not bad enough to go to Hell,” she said, holding up the other hand in counter balance.
“What?! But I’m totally good, I should go to Heaven,” I snapped.
“Psh, good compared to what?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips.
“Hey, I’m good. . . . . . ish,” I said, mumbling the last part.
“Nope,” she said, shaking her head back and forth.
“I’m kind of good,” I said.
“Nope, sorry,” she said, still shaking her head.
I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at her.
“But hey, look on the bright side, at least you’re not so bad that you had to go to Hell,” she pointed out.
“So, if I’m not going to Heaven or Hell, where am I going?”
“You’re going to the neutral place in between.”
“Which is where?”
“You’re kidding, right?” I asked, trying to wrap my brain around what she was saying.
“Nope, you’re going to spend the rest of eternity in the local shopping mall.”
“What am I supposed to do there for the rest of eternity?” I asked.
“Same thing you do every time you go to the mall. You eat too many soft pretzels while complaining about the carbs, and then try on clothes, but never buying anything.”
“But mall clothes are so expensive,” I pouted.
“Too bad, that’s where you’re going,” the glowing girl said, lifting up her hand towards me.
“Wait, I don’t want to spend forever at the—”
And just like that I was floating in the middle of the mall.